We all know how parent partnerships are so critical to the education of our students. We also all know that not all students go home to less than ideal situations.

I'm lucky that my parent interactions have been generally positive. I tend to try to work with the kid as much as possible before getting a parent involved, whether the issue is academic or disciplinary (which means that by the time the parents are fully involved, most other avenues have been exhausted). Even still, most of my parent partnerships are positive.

However, I've started becoming a little more direct about what I am willing to ask from my "parent partners." I might be overstepping some boundaries, but I figure that after ten years of parents asking me to create extra credit assignments in the last weeks of the year so their little precious can make up the points they squandered earlier in the semester, I might as well try a bolder approach and start making requests of what should be going on at home…not just from the kid, but from the parent as well.

For example, I told a pair of parents last year that they needed to have some backbone and take away the video games and skateboard away from their son. 

My wording was different, but no less direct.

Their response told the whole story: they explained that they tried that once and their 15-year-old son threw a temper tantrum, cried, yelled at them, and told them he hated them. So they gave him back his video games. There was no consequence, so the child persisted in lying to parents (and me) and any threats of punishment were at that moment rendered hollow. 

Let's be clear: I'm not blaming the parents. This is an illustration of parenting which needs support and advice. I'm no perfect parent myself, but I cannot educate any child on my own. I need parents who will reinforce the kind of discipline (self-discpline, not just consequence-levying) necessary for the achievement of an education…and not all parents have the experience, skills, or dispositions for that–but I believe they can learn.

The student was the kind of student who would produce for me in class. When I sat down with him, he was willing to ask questions, do work, and show his skills. He in fact clearly had the skills to be successful. But, any work that was sent home to be completed returned incomplete. (And I don't assign ridiculous, time-wasting, or irrelevant homework–that only makes more work for me and doesn't advance my students toward my learning targets.)

He admitted, as did his parents, that he simply didn't make time to do the homework. Eight-hour after-school video-game binges were a daily occurrence. To help him "make time to be successful," I arranged for him to come after school to finish school work, which he did on occasion until it became too inconvenient for the parents. When it became too inconvenient for him to stay after school, I talked to the parents about scheduling a study time at home where they could enforce the focused homework time the same way I would here at school–and simply delay the video-game-marathon an hour or so. They thought it was a great idea, but after a few weeks both the student and parents admitted that they had never followed through–they'd never even set up the scheduled time. Again, lest it sound like I am "blaming them," I'm not. I would not blame a student who entered my 9th grade classroom reading at a 4th grade level. It is what it is. This is but more evidence of a need for help.

So all this culminated in a parent meeting a few weeks before the end of the semester with the student and his mom and dad…after I had already suggested scheduled study time, strategies for getting organized and extra help, and the taking-away-of-privileges at home (none of which they'd followed through on).

They were frustrated. Mom was in tears. The student was pouting. Dad was angry. They looked at me, my teaching partners, and the counselor in attendance and said "what do we do?" and before my filter could engage I began the rant: "You are the parents. You are in charge, not him. You make the rules, not him. He will not like it. He will tell you he hates you and you will have to just take it because that is what you have created. Nothing will change until you take away his video games. Nothing will change until you take away his distractions. Nothing will change until you pick an hour and sit down with him to do homework, even if he claims he has none, because if he says that he is probably lying. He will not change until you do."

They agreed. Like most students whose lack of performance is due to will rather than skill, they knew what was wrong.

But by the end of the year nothing had changed. I followed up periodically with the parents and the kid alike. Both admitted that neither had changed their habits. Yet, both ended with the question "what can I do to get that grade up so he can pass?"

I simply don't know what else I could have done to help. Problem-solving with them and offering advice for schedules and strategies did not work. My direct, boundary-crossing approach did not work. 

I hope that someday, some teacher or counselor can give this family what it needs. It is not a broken home. It would be heaven to my kids who go home to abuse and empty refrigerators and absent parents. I'm not sure what else I could have done to help. The best I can do now is hope that someday they will accept teaching from someone who can craft the message they need to hear.